The Struggle Within

I am so excited for February 17th! One of my best friends in the entire world, Brendan <33, nailed a spot at the 9:30 club!!!!! And that's like, one of the biggest clubs in D.C. and he's going to be playing there!! This is absolutely amazing because he's been having SUCH a rough time right now so I really can't wait for this. And he's so happy. So yay! BUTTTTT I might not be able to go because I signed up for this college honors band and if I get into that, it's the same weekend! Argh!

Anyways, my internet crashed on Friday (WTF) so allllll weekend I haven't been able to get on. And that's basically the Chinese water torture. So I'm sitting in my mom's office (even though she's off today) using the internet because otherwise, I would have gone in withdrawal. But she's calling me away (boo), but I can't really complain too much because we're going to Panera. :)

Hope everyone had a really nice, long weekend!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Raven (reiben) for starting the 101 Goals because it reminded me of my OWN 101 goals, of which I am now totally siked to do again....so thanks. Haha.

Today in snowed and that made me soooo happy. I love snow. Even though we probably won't get off school tomorrow (boo), it's still nice. Although it's quite scary to drive in snow...just want to put that out there. I refused to drive to school today because of it so my mom had to take me. And when they announced we were getting out early, all the seniors in my tech class were FLIPPING out because my school is retarded and they don't plow the road/parking lot. It was pretty funny. I was all, haha I didn't drive today! Wow, I am mean.

A note on the music scene (haha get it? a NOTE? lol.)...there's this concerto competition for the U.S. Army Band. Totally trying out for it, although I have less than two weeks to get it ready. Haha. Whatever. I'm mainly doing it because you have to send in a cd, so I'm going to have to record it with my pianist and everything. Very exciting. If it's good, I'll put a link to it.

There is also the chamber music festival for school which is coming up. Sadly though, I am not doing Miklos Roza's piece (mentioned in 101). It's just too short of time to do it and with the concerto competition...not going to work out. I'm going to Wilson Osbourne's Rhapsody for Solo Clarinet, which isn't bad, so that's exciting. I also am working with Mark Hamilton (last chair clarinetist, football player, funny guy, you just have to meet him lol) for his chamber music, because how it goes is, every senior does a solo, and everyone else does a chamber music piece. But I asked him specifically if I could do a solo too (stupid competitiveness) and DS (wind ensemble's conductor, AKA Doc Sloc, Doctor Slocum, Doc, etc) said I could also help Mark out because he basically sucks. But I still love him. Mark, not DS.

Oh, wow! I exist! Updating has been impossible because of all the school work I've been getting lately PLUS all that practicing. But I'm still here...to let you all know. <3333. But pray for me because midterms are all this week AND with a SAT Practice Test (that's required WHY) on Friday. Can't wait. -_-

You know what I love? I love knowing I'm better than someone else. That probably makes me a bad person, but it's completely true. I guess I am just wayyy competitive. A couple of days ago, the orchestra people mailed out the new piece so we could start practicing and I text the other clarinetist (there's just two of us) and said that I would be on the first part. He gets all pissy and says, no way..it's my turn...blah blah blah. So, being the nice person I am, I say fine whatever, and I take second. That was Tuesday, I think. Anyways, I go to rehearsal today and the teacher hears I'm on second and he's like, no way you're on first. And the other clarinetist (Aaron) is like, fuck. And I'm just like, *evil laughter* for about ten minutes. Which is kind of mean. But I hate when people try and beat me on clarinet, like no. It doesn't work so just don't try. Am I sounding conceited by writing this? Probably.

But on a non-evil note, the other clarinetist is actually really nice. He's so funny; just a good person to sit next to and go through this whole thing with.

Actually, back to the evil side. So Nick was there (basically this guy that hit on me for like, two months then said he didn't want to go out...like WTF) and this is the first time I've seen him since he was like, I don't want to go out. And he was trying to be all nice and shit, and I was like, no. Not happening. Ugh and he tried to push my music over (He always use to do that before as a joke and like flirty and shit) and I got sooo mad. I kicked his chair so hard, it jumped and shit. And he turns around and just gives a look that I-can't-believe-you-just-did-that. Cause he's one of those guys that ALL the girls like and this is probably the first time, some girl (even though I use to like him) put him in his place. Felt so good. I seriously want to bitch-slap him, because he is just a jerk. Ughhhh why do I fall for wrong guys???? Boo. But not really. Lol. Okay, end.

So, I did end up getting my license on...Wednesday? I think Wednesday. It was pretty intense especially since I could not understand my instructor at all. He was one of those French Africans so he had a really heavy accent and it was so hard to understand. I keep asking, "What? Go here? Left?" Pretty amusing. Especially since he never told me if I passed or failed. I finished the course and he was like, get out and go back to the front desk. So I thought I had to fill yet another pointless piece of paper out but I go to the front desk and the woman there is, "CONGRATULATIONS!" I'm like, whoa I did pass. Haha. (He had bad handwriting too).

Earlier tonight, I was IMing with my friend and found out that a kid that went to my old school, Carl, had died this morning. In his sleep. He was 15. And I don't get it. I really don't. He was 15. 15! A sophomore at St. John's High School. Can you imagine how his parents feel? EVERY week, EVERY Sunday, I would go to church with my family, and his family would always come in and sit in the pew in front of us. EVERY week. And it's never going to be the same again. I didn't really know him that well either. Years in the same elementary/middle school, and I never really talked to him. I do remember that he was funny. This kid was always joking around and having a good time. I hope he's happy now.

But the worst part of this, is how it's affecting everyone. My best friend, Brendan, dear god, he's going crazy. And for the first time, I can't do anything. I can't. He needs me THERE but I can' t be there right now, and I don't know what to do. I wish I could just get him to LISTEN to me when I tell him everything is going to be okay, and that I'm here for him, but I don't think he does. And I don't know what to do.


I Shall Know Why - Emily Dickenson
I SHALL know why, when time is over,
And I have ceased to wonder why;
Christ will explain each separate anguish
In the fair schoolroom of the sky.

He will tell me what Peter promised,
And I, for wonder at his woe,
I shall forget the drop of anguish
That scalds me now, that scalds me now.


Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep - Mary Frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Isn't it weird how we act one way with some people and another way with others? Why can't we just be one person? Is being one 'personality' all the time our true selves? As in, is that how we come to find who we really are? I really don't get why i switch on and off, I really don't. This may seem completely random right now so let me back up. My family threw a surprise birthday party for my aunt who's turning sixty next week and I just really noticed my cousins today. I mean, they're always the same people. Every time I seem them, it's Becky or it's Leslie. It's never a different side of them. With me, I think it's different. I couldn't help thinking the entire time I was at the restaurant, why am I so quiet? This is my FAMILY. I should be myself. And I couldn't help thinking that if I was at school or even with a bunch of strangers, I'd be more outgoing, more funny.

But I don't even know if that's the real me. Am I outgoing and friendly or am I more reserved and shy? I seriously don't know because for some reason, I can never stick with one side (if that makes sense). I think that's going to be my goal for the new year or whatever: find out who I really am.

Oh, and I also still hate my cousins for being flipping size 0. ARGH! I hate that so much. Like, we're of the same genes (or pretty much) so how did THEY get stuck with tiny little waists and skinny legs. Unfair.

I think there's something wrong with me. I am so focused on stuff I shouldn't be focused on at all 
like, having a boyfriend. And that sounds so fourteen-ish of me, but it's true. I don't even know why I'm so 
determined to have one, because I've have one before, and they're not that great (not that I don't like 
them, of course) and this is just stupid. And I guess it's unfair that pretty much everyone else has one. 
Makes me feel even more like crap which is hard because I'm already at the lowest of the low. It's weird. I 
don't even like anyone right now. I mean, I did. Kid from orchestra. God, he was confusing. And then he 
totally dumped me basically, but to dumped you have to be dating so it's sad that I'm even considering it a 
'dump.' I think guys in general just suck. Seriously. Relationships never turn out right. And maybe I'm just 
rushing because jesus christ, I'm pretty young to be all, serious about this shit. BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS. And 
it sucks to be the only one who's not. It really does. And what makes it worse is, everyone's like, you're 
so pretty, you're so talented, you're so funny; but I guess no one sees that. 

Plus, starting lessons with this ACTUAL professional clarinetist. I'm going to die. His lessons are "two
hours...maybe more, but that's the average." IS HE CRAZY. I mean, yeah, I defiantly PRACTICE for two hours 
or more, but a lesson that long is pretty intense. Not to mention that he's going to be like, OH MY GOD YOU 
SUCK! *sighs* 

Oh, and thanks to junior retreat, I'm so behind in all my work and have NO time to make it up. Stupid Catholic 
school.

Siriusly. I'm so sick of everything. You have no idea. I feel like death. Everything is sooo screwy right now, it's lost all its humor. Blehhh. I wish I was a lot prettier...that I didn't have really broad shoulders and hips that stick out to next Tuesday. Trevor Moore is really hot. I know that's random but I'm watching reruns of The Whitest Kids U Know...in which he stars in.

I hate school. Like, a lot. So much work and it's all pointless. Think about it. When are we ever going to need to know how to graph a polynomial function? Uhmmmmm....NEVER. Especially, when you go into MUSIC, all this shit is totally worthless to me.

I don't feel like writing anymore.

End.